Стр. 5 - The Rockaway Times

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Page 5
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2016
The Rockaway Times
Texting Abroad
My grandmother left Ire-
land for good at 16 or 17 years
old (they were never sure
back then) and headed to
New York by boat. Soon after
passing the Statue of Liber-
ty she hopped aboard a train
and headed to San Francisco
where she’d meet her brother
and establish roots. She did it
all without texting.
It must’ve been so much
easier on the parents then.
The kids would head off and
you wouldn’t hear from them
again for six months. You’d
never hear about every close-
call, mishap and weirdo or
what they had for lunch.
These days you can pretty
much stay in constant con-
tact and all that does is drive
you a little insane or a lot in-
sane. Some parents, if the kid
doesn’t text or call every 20
minutes, call the FBI and put
posters on telephone poles.
My 18 year old, who will go
unnamed, headed back in the
other direction, to Ireland,
for a semester abroad just last
week. His first message, via
text, was: I’m going through
customs. Broke my glasses on
the flight.
And so it began…
I have to admit I thought
he’d get further than Dublin
Airport with his glasses intact
but I’m not that optimistic so
I packed him an extra pair.
A day later he sends another
text : you sent an empty case.
There were no glasses in it.
I wanted to fly over im-
mediately, grab him by the
neck, and point to the glasses
I know were (and still are) in
the case or the luggage bag.
Kids like to annoy you and
really like it when they’re
across the ocean.
But I’m getting ahead of my-
self. Before he tells me about
the missing glasses he shoots
various other texts:
Irish food sucks.
Toilet doesn’t work, like
there’s no flusher. And I gotta
flush.
Me: There’s definitely a
flusher. You just have to find
it.
Him: It was under a vent.
I resist the temptation to say
– your glasses are probably in
there, too.
My roommates are a dwarf
and a hick. And I met two
people from Missouri. They
were as expected.
Great, he’s gonna cause an
international incident, I’m
thinking.
Somebody passed out out-
side my dorm room. I had to
step over him this morning.
Irish people want me to go
to a toga party…I’m in a frat
now.
Me: A frat?! Who is this?
What have you done with my
son?
They just told me I was in.
They said I look more Irish
than they do.
They don’t think I’m Amer-
ican. They keep saying, do it
for the parish, lad!
I can’t tell if he likes it so far.
A commuter student got
stuck on campus last night so I
let him sleep on the couch out-
side my room. He left a thank
you note and signed it The Tall
Effin Ginger.
I don’t know what to say, so
I say nothing.
I went to a lock and key par-
ty. Girls have a lock and the
boys have a key so you get to
meet people. I got matched
up with this stunning, mod-
elesque girl. But when she
smiled both her front teeth
were missing. Not the ones in
the back, the front.
There’s a big soccer game.
The star on the other team
everyone hates is named
Boyle. Somebody asked me
my name a minute ago and I
said, “Donohue.”
I have my first class tomor-
row.
I told him I went online and
ordered a pair of eyeglass-
es that he could pick up in
Dublin. (As I wrote this my
grandmother rolled over in
her grave).
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