Grief Goddess

By Shane Kulman

Dear Enchantress, 

How do I deal with so much grief, that I think it would break anyone else? There are big things that are overwhelming, and I feel like I’m doing all the things right, but it’s bringing everything to the surface, and I am taking big breaks where I feel stuck.

Dear Grief Goddess,

You are not broken for grieving more than one thing at once.
You are human, and human grief is rarely polite, linear, or singular. Also, when there is a big life grief thing, it has an impact on other things and other people. I am writing to you as if you have friends and community that absolutely love you.

Right now, grief is not arriving as a single wave. It comes in layers, and is compounded, loss stacked on loss. Change piled onto uncertainty. Love braided tightly with exhaustion. Here is how to hold it, without drowning, without bypassing, without hardening.

You do not need to decide which grief is biggest, it’s not a competition and you don’t have to think of each piece at the same time, that is where your mindfulness must come in, it’s easy to fall into despair. Movement is the MOST important. A walk, a dance, a stretch, a deep breath near a window.

Grief is not competitive, and it does not respond well to being ranked.

Instead, gently name what is present, the goal: to do it in the exact moment. And when there is nothing, or you get lost in a movie or an activity, you can feel that that is OK, no need to feel guilty or let all the things come as an avalanche. Acknowledge what is “loudest” to you, be with the feeling, and see what happens next.

Acknowledgment is containment, notice what the feelings are, allow them, and then go to the movement of your body. Don’t call it “dance” if that is confronting. Grief does not follow timelines. It does not respect productivity culture. It does not soften just because you “handled something before.”

Multiple layers of grief mean:

• You may cry over something small.
• You may feel numb toward something big.
• You may laugh and then ache five minutes later.

This is not regression, this is depth. Throwing your feelings around on others is not helpful and creates more problems. Be grateful verbally wherever possible. Let grief be irrational. It speaks to you in many ways. Get in nature, be still there, avoid doom scrolling, or limit the time that “you cannot help it.”

I’m here with you and I appreciate this topic. Thank you for writing to me — I am you. You are loved, and not alone.

Enchantress Shane

To ask Shane a question, write to love@enchantedembodiment.com