Poseidon’s Parade Rocked by Court Packing Scandal

By Bert Sanders

As if a yearly art parade organized and run by a tyrannical dictator isn’t corrupt enough, Bert Sanders has received leaked documents from the Rockaway Mermaid Brigade outlining a court packing scheme for the 2025 Poseidon Parade Judging Panel that would make FDR cry foul. The Poseidon Judging Panel is selected in secrecy in order to choose which groups and individuals get to take the coveted hand-crafted trophies home. Each year, there are five judges that sit upon lifeguard chairs on the Beach 102nd St. boardwalk in order to view and rank Rockaway’s summer ending saunter. Judges are never repeated in order to root out corruption, as bribery is a huge part of the judging process.

As I reported last week, this year’s judging panel is going to feature current and former lifeguards in order to celebrate the brave men and women who have served the public and endured the brutality of the municipal lifeguard school. I was able to announce the names that were given to me by Queen Casey, who told me that she would be able to announce the rest “at a later date.” While the hesitancy to report seemed odd, oddities are expected with this rag tag operation. A group of individuals known for dragging giant whales around the neighborhood, dressing up like sea creatures, and dying their hair blue for local theater productions tends to have a lackadaisical approach to detail and punctuality.

Unfortunately, the omitted information was not due to the aloof nature of the group. Late Sunday evening, I received a text message from an unknown number containing an image of the handwritten judges list in the unmistakable handwriting of Poseidon Parade’s nautical dictator, Casey Brouder. While this is not an unusual way to obtain information from the brigade, I noticed that the list had seven names as opposed to the traditional five, which was set in stone by Poseidon’s founding parental units.

Although each member of the panel seems to fit the mold of a Poseidon Judge, the addition of two judges is sure to raise some eyebrows. Many will see this as yet another power grab from the Queen. I called the Queen, who authenticated the leaked documents. When I asked her why there were seven judges, she simply answered “Shut up, Bob!” with disdain and vitriol, and hung up.

I’m not too sure who Bob is, but I am proud to announce this year’s all-lifeguard judging panel. We have Lyle and Jackie, the prom king and queen, who opted out of marching in order to sit on the panel. Lyle, a former 117 alumnus, will be with many other 117 alumni and active lifeguards including Christian Agoglia, Reilly Nichtern, and the Queen’s own sister and legendary lifeguard, Becky O’Leary. The boldness of the Queen to not only extend the panel, but to include her own sister, should not be lost on the public.

Joining the lifeguard crew will be recently married neighborhood menace, Sean Muldoon, who hails from 17 shack. He’s sure to bring brutal honesty, passion, and an argumentative tone to the deliberation process. The last judge is Rockaway Time’s managerial editor and former 135 lifeguard, Katie McFadden. Many are sure to see this appointment as a blurring of the lines of impartiality and journalistic integrity. For those keeping up at home, the courts have been packed with a royal family member, and one of the most powerful media voices in the neighborhood. Casey has crossed the Rubicon. Alea acta est.

Besides the scandal and chaos, the parade seems to be shaping up. DJ Kay Kay is set to jam out at the Beach 95th Street amphitheater where the parade will once again end. She will be accompanied by face painters and other entertainment for the parade participants and spectators alike. This is where the parade winners will be ceremoniously announced after judge deliberations. This year will also feature a demonstration and informational station from the chess club out of ZenTora, located at 114-06 Rockaway Beach Blvd. They want to share their love of chess with the parade going masses!

The 11th Annual Poseidon’s Parade will kick off at 1 p.m. on Saturday, September 27 from Beach 106th on the boardwalk.  You can register for the parade at PoseidonsParade.com.

Next week, I will announce the judging categories and provide more updates from The Rockaway Mermaid Brigade. For any questions or if you would like to help out, text 345-234-2087. For now, try to digest the court packing scandal while preparing for the parade. As Geoff “El Capitan” Rawling simply stated, “Nothing surprises me when it comes to She Who Must Not Be Named!”