To: Satan

By Sean McVeigh

Subject: Promotion Recommendation — *********

Dear Satan,

It is my pleasure to recommend ********* for promotion based on outstanding performance and faithful fulfillment of duties as a desk attendant at the Department of Motor Vehicles, Coney Island.

Last week, ********* faced a subject attempting to register a new car — and to our extreme dismay, the subject came prepared. He had evidently waded through all the information on our website: every required form completed correctly and signed by the appropriate parties. He followed our online instructions to the letter. (As a side note, we have already convened a task force to fix this problem; they will immediately begin making the website more confusing and burdensome.)

The subject didn’t even speak. Instead, he walked up to the desk and handed a paper-clipped bundle of what appeared to be perfect documentation — or so he thought.

Trusting her training, ********* acted quickly and with admirable efficiency in response to this affront to our institution. She pivoted the conversation to the absence of the old license plates and asked where they were. The subject was at a loss for words. When he tried to explain that removing the plates wasn’t listed among the requirements, the attendant dismissed their lack of DMV expertise as, frankly, imbecilic. When it became clear the subject had no tools to remove the plates, ********* shooed them away, insisting the plates be removed before the transaction could proceed.

Naturally, the subject, not being a DMV rules expert, had only followed the instructions on our website — which, in this case, had worked perfectly.

Thanks to our after-action spies, we can report that the subject stormed out of the building in a rage. After cooling off, he concluded he needed a screwdriver and set off for the nearest hardware store listed online — exactly as planned. As I am sure you are aware from previous memos, that hardware store has been closed for years, despite what the internet claims. Our spies say he then went to Home Depot — perhaps the worst place imaginable to find one specific small item.

When the subject returned, visibly perturbed, the attendant executed the standard greeting in what can only be described as a masterclass performance: “Where have you been?” and “What took so long?” After nodding vociferously as the subject insisted the plate-removal requirement wasn’t listed on official DMV documents, the attendant delivered: “Well, you can’t have two sets of plates, can ya?” The subject shot back, “Well, you can’t have no plates, can ya?” The attendant quickly pivoted: “Sure you can when you’re double-parked outside the DMV — they don’t care!” She was, of course, surprised when the subject admitted he had not been double-parked but had searched for legal parking and walked several blocks to the building. The attendant should have known this when she saw how well prepared his paperwork had been. This meant the subject had to find legal parking in our perfectly-designed — exactly to your specifications — parking hellhole not once, but twice. It truly warmed all our hearts.

Alas, that was the extent of the suffering our attendant managed to inflict on this occasion.

Based on *********’s performance, it is my honor to recommend her for immediate promotion. She has upheld every standard of indecency and illogic that we hold dear at the DMV. It is my sincerest hope that *********’s achievement will serve as an example to everyone in the department of what true excellence looks like.

I ask that you please take this matter under careful consideration. We look forward to hearing from you — or, if we’re lucky, seeing you soon.

Your humble servant in darkness,

*********

Chief Chaos Officer

Coney Island Department of Motor

Vehicles

Author’s Note: There is really only one villain in this story. What kind of dope forgets to bring the license plates when transferring a car’s registration? Answer: This kind of dope!