A Fern Conversation

Well, we made it through the Snowpocalypse. Everything is a little hazy coming out of a storm like that. We got an entire day of non-stop snow. That meant an entire day with absolutely nowhere to go. Grocery stores were emptied as if we were about to be holed up for a month.

The next day, when things had the chance to return to at least an iota of normalcy, schools went remote. Someone mentioned having flashbacks to Covid, which, ironically, sent more shivers down my spine than the cold weather ever could. I was under the impression that we collectively agreed to pretend that never happened.

We’re not especially accustomed to getting this much snow. It’s not like it’s never happened, but these storms are certainly few and far between now.

It’s hard to lock in an exact snow total for Rockaway, but one foot seems to be the consensus. It was the first time we’ve seen that much snow in NYC since 2021 (second Covid joke redacted). There also seems to be a nice little pattern of big snowstorms every ten years with some of the city’s biggest on record coming in 1996 (20.2 inches), 2006 (26.9 inches), and 2016 (27.5 inches). Luckily, we didn’t see anything that crazy on Sunday, but there’s supposedly another storm headed our way this weekend. Maybe this year’s just a little more spaced out.

Normally, three to four inches is about our speed, with a little shoveling once or twice over the course of the storm. This one was different.

Shoveling can be a real pain in the neck. The snow, as it fell, wasn’t especially heavy, which helped. But the sheer amount of it was overwhelming.

With this much snow, a real dance unfolds between neighbors and across the entire block. Where do you start shoveling? Where do you stop? Where do you put the snow you’ve just shoveled? When is it too early to put salt down? When is it too late?

But that’s just the beginning.

I think it’s safe to say that every block has at least one snowblower. Boy, am I glad I’m not that guy. There is awesome power vested in the person who owns a snowblower — and as we all know, with great power comes great responsibility. That is not a responsibility I am prepared to handle.

First of all, anyone who managed to keep their snowblower in working order after a five-year hiatus in the garage: good on you.

If the lines are blurry for shoveling, what do you even call them for snowblowers? You’re obviously going to clear in front of your own house. And unless there’s some Hatfield-and-McCoy-level beef going on, you’re probably doing the houses on either side of you, too. Gotta get your money’s worth, right?

But what about your good friend three houses down? You’ve got to cut him a little path, don’t you? And if you’re going three houses in one direction, you don’t want to send the wrong message by skipping the other side. Is it your job to clear at least one small walkway for the whole block? Of course not. That’s too much. Where does it end?!

God bless our snowblowers! Unless they stopped at the house next to yours … in which case, curse you, snowblowers! All I can say is: heavy is the crown.

Incredibly, we’re slated to get more snow this coming Sunday. On the bright side, we’re all a lot more experienced than we were just a week ago. And those snowblower neighbors will have another chance to cement their legacy in block history.