And the Award for Coolest Columnist Goes To…

By Sean McVeigh

After what I can only describe as one of the sneaky best sports weekends of the year began to wind down Sunday evening, my wife and I found ourselves in a bit of a lull while waiting for the U.S.’s World Baseball Classic game to start. As wives are wont to do, I was implored to flip briefly to the Oscars Red Carpet show.

To my utter dismay, we had apparently missed the only bearable part, the fashion show. I mean, attractive people are attractive people, no matter how you slice it. Instead, we landed right in the meat and potatoes of Hollywood’s biggest award show.

There are just so many ways to make fun of the Oscars. For starters, I haven’t seen almost any of the movies. Of the ten films nominated for Best Picture, I saw one. It’s very difficult to empathize with the creators or actors behind a bunch of films that I have not seen and almost certainly never will see.

I was about to launch into a tirade asking how anyone could be so vain, but then I remembered that vanity is really Hollywood’s entire profession.

And what has happened to the art of the acceptance speech? When was the last time someone said something memorable? Can’t people be funny anymore? Now you get the nervous nobodies desperately pulling a crumpled sheet of paper from their pocket and rattling off as many names as possible before their time runs out. Or you get the director who thinks they’re the bee’s knees and just wing it, umming and ahhing their way through the whole thing.

For the short time I watched, there was at least one highlight. Multiple people, folks no one has ever heard of — costume designers and short filmmakers (the films are short, not necessarily the people making them) — were getting played off stage left and right. They didn’t just play music to signal it was time to wrap it up. They actually retracted the microphone under the stage.

It just goes to show that not even the people who just gave you the award care what you have to say. Let alone the rest of America.

Then you have the political people. We get it, you are not thrilled with the direction of things these days. It just seems like “these days” are lasting a lifetime. I’m not going to tell you that you can’t say anything about whatever your political bugaboo is. You won the award, you get the microphone. But if you’re going to say something, at least be original. It feels like without fail, you already know exactly what’s going to come out of their mouths before they even open them.

I guess that’s why they get paid to read from a script.

The whole ordeal did get me thinking, however. Maybe The Rockaway Times should have an award show. We’re vain people, too. Dundies-style, you know?

Man, what I would give to get an award. I don’t even care what it’s for. Just let me up there to say some “thank yous.”

“Oh my goodness. I can’t believe I finally won a ‘Rocky.’ I just want to thank God and … absolutely no one else. I earned this thing — me! To all those who were also nominated for the ‘Coolest Columnist’ award, in the spirit of good sportsmanship, I just want to say … in your face! Maybe next year, losers. But probably not, because I only plan on getting cooler.

“And now for some of my political thoughts, let me just say—”

**Loud music blaring as I’m ushered off stage, still shouting off mic and flashing obscene hand gestures at the crowd.**

Now that would be an award show people would tune in for.