Almost Alison

By By Shane Kulman

Dear Enchantress,

I’m a 39-year-old woman who keeps finding herself in these strange almost-relationships. Men text me constantly. They watch every story, send heart emojis, memes, “thinking of you” messages at midnight, and random gym selfies. They tell me I’m “different.” They say they feel “safe” with me. But when it comes to actual consistency, commitment, or showing up in real life, suddenly they become fog.

One man FaceTimed me every night for three weeks while traveling for work. We talked about childhood wounds, spirituality, his divorce, my dreams, even what kind of house we’d want someday. The moment he came back into town? Silence. Another tells me I’m the “most magnetic woman” he’s ever met, yet disappears every weekend and resurfaces Monday morning with a shirtless apology and a vague explanation about being “overwhelmed.”

I feel like modern dating has turned intimacy into performance art. Everyone wants emotional benefits without emotional responsibility. Sometimes, I genuinely wonder if people are lonely… or just using connection as a form of nervous system regulation.

The hardest part is that I know my value. I know I’m emotionally intelligent. I know I bring warmth, creativity, depth, humor, and real presence into relationships. But lately, I leave these interactions feeling consumed instead of chosen.

How do I stop confusing attention with devotion?

And how do I stay open-hearted without becoming an emotional support mermaid for men who “aren’t ready”?

Dear Almost Alison,

First, let me reassure you: you are not imagining this phenomenon. Modern dating has created an environment where access can easily mimic intimacy. Constant texting, emotional disclosure, late-night vulnerability, and digital closeness can create the feeling of connection without the steadiness and accountability real intimacy requires.

What you are describing is not romance. It is emotional immediacy without relational grounding.

Many people today are profoundly lonely, emotionally overstimulated, and underdeveloped in their capacity for sustained intimacy. Someone can genuinely enjoy you, crave your presence, confide in you, and still be fundamentally unavailable for the type of relationship you desire.

That distinction matters.

The enchanted among us often mistake emotional depth for emotional readiness. But a man discussing childhood wounds at midnight is not necessarily offering partnership. Sometimes he is simply borrowing your warmth to temporarily escape himself.

The better question is no longer, “Does he feel something for me?”

It is: “Can he sustain presence when the relationship begins requiring consistency, reciprocity, and accountability?”

Attention is immediate. Devotion is patterned.

Attention says: “You’re amazing.”

Devotion says: “I will consistently move toward you.”

And here is the difficult magic: emotionally intelligent women often become nervous-system sanctuaries for people who have never learned how to emotionally hold themselves.

Do not close your heart. Refine your filters.

Watch for consistency over chemistry. Follow-through over fascination. Presence in daylight, not just vulnerability at midnight.

You are not here to be emotionally rented. You are here to be deeply met.

Sending you joy in connections! If you have a question for The Enchantress email her at love@enchantedembodiment.com