An Uncommon Jerk

By Sean McVeigh

I’ve been known to complain about some strange things, but this one might take the cake. In certain situations, I cannot stand it when people are nice to me. Let me explain … or at least try to.

Here’s the scene: It’s late. You’re out walking your dog. It’s dark and cold, and you’re bundled up tight. You’ve been dreading this last walk of the night for hours, but you finally peel yourself off the couch to get it over with.

Your dog is, shall we say, very friendly. He likes to say hello to every other dog he meets, which is usually fine — except tonight. You’re tired. You just want him to do his business so you can get back to the couch. The idea of small talk with another dog owner while making excuses for your dog’s hyper behavior (“He’s really still just a puppy, I promise”) does not sound appealing.

You make it a few blocks before spotting another poor soul walking their dog — and they are coming straight at you. It’s a canine-themed game of chicken. You’re not interested in games right now, so you immediately bail and start crossing to the other side of the street.

You didn’t wait for a crosswalk — there was no time, there were people to avoid! As you step toward the street, you notice a car coming. Naturally, you stop and wait for it to pass. But then the car slows down … and stops.

They wait there. Why? Is something wrong? Are they okay? Why would they stop in the middle of the road?

Then it dawns on you: they’re trying to let you cross. Out of pure kindness, they’ve decided to halt traffic for you — a random pedestrian with no right of way.

I hate it.

There are rules. Some are written down, sure, but that’s not why we know them. When you pull up to an intersection and see a red light, you stop — not because you memorized a rulebook, but because everyone knows that’s what red means. It’s common knowledge.

I’ve been irked by people breaking these unwritten rules for a while now, but every time I try to explain it, I just sound like a jerk: “What do you mean that guy was an a**hole? He stopped at a green light and let us cross!”

Recently, I caught an interview with Harvard psychologist Steven Pinker discussing his new book, “When Everyone Knows That Everyone Knows…” And it was exactly what I needed to hear. While I’m probably still just a big ol’ curmudgeon, at least he made me feel a little better.

That person — the saintly angel who stops in the middle of the road to let me pass — has a private thought: “You know what? I’m going to be nice and let this person go.” You know who knows that thought? Only that one person!

Meanwhile, the rest of us “normal jerks” drive until we reach a stop sign, red light, pedestrian crossing sign, or whatever it may be. Then we look around, see if anyone’s waiting, and stop if needed. You know who knows that? Everyone. The driver knows it, the pedestrian knows it, the driver knows the pedestrian knows it, and the pedestrian knows the driver knows it. That is what Steven Pinker calls our common knowledge. And it is what makes the world go smoothly ‘round.

Of course, common knowledge goes far beyond crossing the street. It’s why we drive on the right side of the road here, while in Ireland they drive on the left. Is one side the “correct” side? Of course not. It only matters that everyone in a given country agrees on which side to use.

It’s why I can go to the bagel store, hand them a piece of green paper, and walk away with a dozen bagels. That paper has no inherent value in and of itself — but they know their suppliers will also accept it, because we’ve all agreed it means something.

Almost all the “norms” we live by are based on common knowledge. I guess what it really boils down to is that I’m just a big norms guy.

For example, it’s common knowledge that you shouldn’t insult people to their faces. There’s no law against it, but most people are kind enough to wait until the person leaves the room before saying what they really think.

So do me a favor: don’t tell me how bad this article was to my face. Just whisper it to each other once I leave the room, like normal people. Use some common knowledge.