Are You A Supercommunicator?
By Jennifer Kelleher
I was inspired to write today’s column after listening to a podcast interview with Charles Duhigg, author of the book, “Supercommunicators: How To Unlock the Secret Language of Connection.” I found two parts of the interview especially interesting and useful, so, of course, I wanted to share them with you here.
The first part I found interesting was about miscommunications. Duhigg explained that most of us think a conversation or a discussion is about one thing. However, research shows that every discussion is actually made up of multiple kinds of conversations that usually fall into one of three categories: (1) a practical conversation, where we are making plans or solving problems; (2) an emotional conversation, where one person tells the other how they feel without wanting the other to solve their feelings, but rather simply to empathize; (3) a social conversation, which is about how we relate to each other and our social identities.
Miscommunications happen when we are not having the same type of conversation at the same moment. For example, let’s say your significant other comes home after a long day of work and starts to unload their day. If they are just needing to vent, but you, with the best intentions, mistake it for a practical conversation and start offering solutions to whatever obstacles they are encountering, the other person could feel like their needs are not being fulfilled and get frustrated.
Duhigg goes on to explain that sometimes the easiest people to miscommunicate with are those we love and talk to the most. We tend to be less aware of how we are communicating with the people we are closest with, and sometimes we just assume that they will pick up our cues and understand what type of conversation we want to have right now. But often we have to be more straightforward.
So what to do? Ask each other! You can say something like, “Do you want to solve this together, or do you just want to vent?” Duhigg suggests that you can also do this with children, asking them, “Do you want to be helped, do you want to be heard, or do you want to be hugged?”
Asking the person you are in a conversation with what they need can also help you to feel more comfortable in the conversation and take away any self-imposed pressure. Perhaps when someone starts talking about their troubles, you go into therapist-mode because you feel an obligation to help heal their hurt. However, maybe they just want someone to listen, and you will never really know unless you ask. If they are, in fact, looking for a solution, then you have permission to help them solve the problem.
The second part of the interview that caught my attention was about what makes a supercommunicator. Duhigg says one thing we know about consistent “supercommunicators” is that they ask ten to twenty times more questions than the average person. These questions could be simple, such as, “What happened next?”, or “Then what did you say?” to invite the other person deeper into the conversation. They could also be more profound questions that help the other person answer what they are really needing or feeling at this moment. Duhigg defines a deep question as something that asks the person about their values, beliefs, or experiences. For example, “I know that you are a logistics manager – What is your favorite part about your job?” Instead of asking, “When did you start working as a logistics manager?”, you would ask, “Why did you start?” The answers to profound questions will tell you about who the person really is.
I invite you to join me at Ocean Bliss Yoga next Wednesday, October 16 at 7 p.m. for an autumn-themed sound bath. Sign up at oceanblissyoga.net. Call or text me with any questions at 917-318-1168.