Death and Taxes

By Sean McVeigh

Benjamin Franklin said many insightful things throughout his remarkable lifetime. One of his most famous observations remains as relevant as ever: “In this life, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.”

Well, here we are again — tax season.

Franklin knew a thing or two about taxes. While it would be an oversimplification to reduce the American Revolution to a single cause, if you asked a third grader why our Founding Fathers declared independence, they’d probably say, “No taxation without representation.” These days, we can’t exactly complain about representation (“Yes, we can, you dope!” yells everyone reading this in unison), so put those Native American costumes away — we’re not tossing tea into Jamaica Bay today.

Doing my taxes each year is a humbling experience. Few things remind me how little I know about something quite like tax season. For years, I had the audacity to do my own taxes — or at least, I used one of those tax websites. And let’s be honest: half the information I provided was pulled right out of my … well, let’s just say I hope no one from the IRS reads The Rockaway Times.

Now, like a responsible adult, I let someone smarter than me handle my taxes. Or so I assume. Honestly, I have no way of knowing. I hand over a few documents — ones I’ve barely skimmed before my brain starts to ache — watch as they type numbers into a computer, and then wait to hear how much I owe the government.

The funny thing about taxes? It’s all fun and games until you make a real mistake — then suddenly, you either owe thousands of dollars or, even better, face jail time.

There are plenty of things about our tax system that seem completely backward (starting with the concept of an income tax in general — thanks, Woodrow Wilson!). But the most ridiculous part? We’re the ones responsible for telling the government how much we owe them. Sure, sometimes it works the other way — we tell them they took too much and ask for a refund. But when we underpay, it feels like we’re ratting ourselves out.

Shouldn’t it be the government’s responsibility to figure that out? They already take what they want from our paychecks each week. Then tax season rolls around, and suddenly, it’s: “Whoopsie! We meant to take another $2,000 of your hard-earned money — send that over by April 15, or, well … you’re screwed.”

Seems like that should be a “you snooze, you lose” kind of situation. It’s not our fault that they made the system so complicated that they can’t even get it right on the first try!

At the end of the day, we all know we have to pay up — because, as Franklin wisely put it, death and taxes are life’s only certainties. And while I can’t do much about the former, I do wish the latter came with fewer headaches.

Until then, I’ll keep pretending I understand what’s happening and just hope the IRS doesn’t come knocking.

Happy tax season, everyone.