Mama in the Messy Middle

By Shane Kulman

Dear Enchantress,

This may be very odd, but I need some advice and I thought of you. I live in a very judgmental community. My daughter has had some behavioral issues, but is far better than she’s ever been. The moms are not forgiving and quite passive aggressive and ignore me and her at functions. How do I not care?! Inside of me, I’m like, “IDGAF,” but part of me still fills with anxiety. I want her and me to be liked, and that feels like a terrible thing to want—because who really cares? Not everyone is going to like us. Any advice?

A Mama in the Messy Middle

Dear Mama in the Messy Middle,

You are absolutely not alone in this heart-splintering paradox: wanting to not care and secretly craving connection and acceptance. What is so special here is the idea of telling the deeper truth, beyond the IDGAF energy and what mostly gets circulated. Let’s sprinkle in both the practical and the enchanted. As a former educator and special educator, and parent coach, I have experienced parents being judged, and feeling judged a lot, and it was terribly awkward and had a big impact, especially when there was a new diagnosis, and their child was obviously different or not so obviously different.

I will share advice from two practical points of magical view. It’s important that you can start this right away, and I hope you’ll do it right away, for your own soul and your daughter’s.

Let’s start with practical magic: You are not wrong for wanting to be liked. That’s human. That’s nervous system 101. Our ancient brain craves belonging—it kept us alive in the village. Just because someone has a PTA badge or a yoga mat, doesn’t make them your people. So, start building or noticing your own pocket of warmth. One mom. One smile. One moment of realness is worth more than a whole table of fake perfection. Reminding yourself of your priorities, and that you are human and have an inner child that also craves belonging.

Next, there is the Enchanted Practice. Before functions begin, whisper this to yourself and your daughter: “We walk with the truth of our hearts and the magic of our progress. We don’t shrink for shallow minds. We shine for sacred eyes only.”

And then before you leave the house, carry a small talisman (a stone, a charm, a leaf she picked, I love smooth stones for this, so you can use your thumb on it for your own soothing)—not to protect you from judgment, but to remind you who you are: A mother who shows up with love and honesty. Putting a humming tune to this “spell” is also physiologically soothing, and gives the overthinking mind something to do.

After events, do a ritual of release: Shake it off (literally), light a candle, take an energetic shower in the shower or the ocean, and speak aloud what you’re proud of from the day. You don’t have to become stone-hearted to survive. You just have to trust that being soft and sovereign can coexist. They may never see your magic. But I do. And more importantly, so does she.

Sending you all the inner work magic and belief that these – The Enchantress

If you have a question you would like The Enchantress to answer; or if you would like to work with her; email her at love@enchantedembodiment.com