Sandwiches

By Peter Galvin, MD
One of the more difficult issues I dealt with during my 37 years of private practice was aging parents and their families. As baby boomers (those born between 1946 and 1965) age, they and their families have to deal with the consequences of aging such as diminished skills like driving safely, diminished vision, falls, and memory loss or dementia. Older folks tend to be set in their (or our) ways and often refuse to stop driving or move to a safer environment. They can be very stubborn, which creates a big problem as their kids try to keep them safe and secure. If you are 40 or older you may be part of what is called the “sandwich generation.” This refers to middle-aged individuals who feel pressured to support both aging parents and adult children while dealing with their own life situations.
Today it is not uncommon for post-college kids to return home after graduation and live with their parents, often for a lack of employment, direction, or money. These kids are called “boomerangs.” Often, those of the sandwich generation are forced to deal with their boomerang kids and, at the same time, their aging parents. Yet, about 90% of boomers provide some financial support to their kids and grandkids. All of this creates, as the Brits would say, a sticky wicket. This situation often comes up in primary care medical practices. There is no magical fix, but my experience has given me insight into advice that might be helpful for those who may feel like the white filling in an Oreo.
Just as routine dental care can prevent painful procedures down the road, having conversations with aging parents can often help create a future that everyone can handle. The longer those conversations about the future are postponed, the fewer the choices may be when the time comes, and the more it may cost. How the subject is approached may have a huge effect on whether aging parents will be willing to accept their children’s help. So, if you are part of the sandwich generation, I have a few suggestions:
- Listen – don’t miss an opportunity to talk about the future. Listen to your parents and ask questions. Don’t tell them what to do, despite how tempting that may be.
- Be patient – remember, your parents have been biting their collective tongue for all the years they dealt with you. Now it’s your turn. Give them time to think over their alternatives. One casual phone call won’t do the trick.
- Expect silence – Don’t expect quick responses. This may be the most difficult time of their lives. Give them time.
- Don’t assume – the odds are they have been thinking about their future a lot longer than you have. The future arrives much faster than you think.
- Get help – your parent’s primary care provider is most likely someone they trust. Have a family meeting at his/her office.
Finally, don’t lose your sense of humor. It may be a serious situation, but injecting humor may keep you happy and sane in the years to come.
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