The Great Uniter

By Sean McVeigh

People say that we, as a society, are more sensitive now than ever before. It’s one of those generational complaints. “Back in my day, we walked to school uphill both ways … and no one was offended by anything!” I don’t know. I’ve watched plenty of old movies and I’m pretty sure that bare ankles were scandalous. If that’s true, maybe we have this all backward.

We sure hear about people’s sensitivity a lot more. Every day another person gets canceled because they said a wrong word, or we hear about a protest disrupting some event in support of some oppressed group. The loudest voices are always the ones complaining. There’s never a protest about how happy a bunch of folks are. It feels like every column I write ends up circling back to the same root issue: social media. I’m like a broken record. But again, I think we can blame social media for amplifying these voices and allowing a couple of knuckleheads to sound important.

“Tree huggers” is a term we don’t hear very much anymore. Maybe the trees are finally safe? Maybe they’ve just rebranded and opened up their sphere of influence a bit to include more than just trees. Everything, no matter how minute and seemingly insignificant, has an advocate these days. And I’m not talking public defender advocate, here, I’m talking a Johnnie Cochran-type advocate. I’ve seen these guys in action. This isn’t just a hobby for them — it’s a religion. Newspapers are bound to offend people from time to time. If a paper doesn’t, then it’s not doing the job right. When I know that one of these advocacy groups is going to be offended by something, I make sure to batten down the hatches and prepare for the coming storm.

All that being said, there is one exception to these rules. I’ve discovered the one thing that can bring us all together, agreeing in perfect harmony: the spotted lanternfly.

I’ve noticed the lanternfly has been making its not-so-triumphant return as of late. As I was walking on the beach with my nephew the other day, we came across a few. I was trying to explain to him that we had to kill them, which is not an easy concept to explain to a two-year-old. Everyone is out to get these guys. It is possibly the only thing that this country is in total agreement on. The great uniter of our time is the spotted lanternfly. You see, these guys kill trees and you do not want to mess with the tree huggers.

In the movies, civilization is usually united when we are faced with a perilous situation. An asteroid headed straight for us or aliens coming to steal our water or something. This is not as dramatic but it’s a decent test run. And maybe we need a few test runs before the real deal. We had a pandemic not too long ago (Remember that? Weird.) and we couldn’t even unite around that for very long. But some funny-looking bug shows up that likes to eat trees and Yankees and Red Sox fans, Republicans and Democrats, the People’s Front of Judea and the Judean People’s Front are holding hands in the streets … stomping on those damn bugs! We truly live in some strange times.

I fully expect to receive a few emails this week. If Humanity For Lanternflies (HFL) doesn’t already exist, I think they are filling their 501(c)(3) paperwork right now and they will be coming after me with pitchforks and torches. O tempora, o mores!