A Hell of a Job

 A Hell of a Job

By Sean McVeigh

To My Devoted Servants, 

 Let me just start by saying, “Wow!” I knew you guys were capable, but I had no idea you could accomplish so much in such a short amount of time. From speed cameras to speed bumps, you deserve praise for all that you’ve gotten done in Rockaway. Driving around that place has truly become a nightmare — it’s beautiful!

I love to think back to the beginning. We started with just a few stop signs randomly placed in unnecessary areas throughout the peninsula. Obviously, a yield sign on the corner of Beach 116th and Beach Channel Drive had worked perfectly for years keeping traffic moving. We put a “stop” to that with ease. And of course, a stop sign makes sense outside of a library that we then got shut down for a year. Classic!

Relative to the work we have done since, those all feel so insignificant. Regardless, I was still expecting a little pushback. And yet, we got almost none. It was the perfect little test. They all just accepted it like a herd of sheep. What little resistance we encountered was quickly stamped out by our compatriots at the DOT with the standard deflection that they received input from the public about a need in that area. More like just following the orders of their master, am I right?

To be honest, I started to find all these trivial annoyances a bit boring. It was too easy. Anybody can place speed cameras on a corner and make sure none of the streetlights are in sync. Even when we shut down part of the Rockaway Freeway or closed Edgemere Avenue for almost two years, I still wasn’t feeling the same thrill that I used to. Sure, it’s fun to watch everyone crawl along at 15 miles per hour, all merging onto one road throughout the entire peninsula, but I really felt it was time to spice things up.

When the idea of shutting down the only subway line to a remote peninsula was brought to me by my MTA minions, even I thought it might be a step too far. There is no way they will just sit idly by and allow that to happen. It’s cruel! (Just the way I like it!) I thought that might be the last straw — a bridge too far, if you will. Then I heard about the new congestion pricing. It’s just genius! Evil, glorious genius!

So, you’re telling me that at the same time we are going to take away this poor community’s only subway, we are also going to make up a new tax out of nowhere that punishes people for driving into the city? You know, the place where just about everyone on the peninsula works every day! I could not have done it better myself! I thought this might tip some people off to our master plan, but it seems like we are in the clear. All you had to do was tell them it was for their own good and it passed with only a slight whimper from the masses.

The best part of the whole ordeal is that they think the work on the A train will be finished by May. May! Or, as we like to say, May-be-next-year. What a hoot!

I think it’s safe to say our Rockaway experiment was a resounding success. If we can get all this done down there, what can’t we accomplish? I certainly have high hopes for our destructive plans in the future. We are well on our way to ruining the entire city. Next, we will tackle the whole state. And then, who knows, maybe even the entire country!

My friends, all I can say is keep up the good work.

Your Master in Evil, 

Satan

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