Daylight Saviors

By Sean McVeigh

Ever since we lost an hour of sleep this past weekend, my brain has been completely out of whack. I’m so disoriented, I don’t even think I can write a proper column this week. Fortunately, I managed to get my hands on the transcript of an interview I conducted Sunday morning with the president of the Daylight Saving Lovers of America (DSLA). Hopefully next week I am back to normal. Talk to you then.

The following interview took place on Sunday morning, mere hours after daylight saving time went into effect.

McVeigh: Good morning, Mr. President. Thanks for taking the time to speak with me today. Apologies for running a little late — believe it or not, I forgot to switch the kitchen clocks this morning.

DSLA President: No problem at all. Happy to be here.

McVeigh: Let’s get right into it. Three years ago, the United States Senate unanimously passed a bill to make daylight saving time permanent. Yet here we are, still changing our clocks twice a year. What happened?

DSLA President: Well, the simple answer is that the House of Representatives received the bill from the Senate three years ago and … let’s just say, they haven’t exactly rushed to act on it. “The People’s House,” as they like to call it, decided America simply isn’t ready for one standard time year-round. I’m proud to say my organization played a role in convincing those congressmen to let that bill, you know … quietly disappear.

McVeigh: [Crumbling up his list of questions] How do you sleep at night?

DSLA President: Excuse me? What kind of question is that?

McVeigh: I said, how do you sleep at night? How can you rest peacefully knowing you’re out here destroying people’s circadian rhythms? Time is not something you can make up. Noon is determined by the position of the sun, not some willy-nilly decision!

DSLA President: My publicist told me we’d be discussing how daylight saving time benefits farmers — I was told The Rockaway Times had a robust farming readership!

McVeigh: I’m glad you brought that up — it leads me perfectly to my next question. When was the last time you actually met a farmer? There are no farmers in Rockaway! And even if there were, why should the entire country literally change time for them? No one shifts the clocks for stockbrokers or accountants. Garbage men wake up early too—should we let them decide what time we call 6 a.m.?

DSLA President: This is absurd. Our work benefits the American people! Don’t you enjoy the sun setting an hour later tonight?

McVeigh: You don’t control the sun! It rises and sets at the same time no matter what you say. All you’re doing is making us wake up an hour earlier so it appears to stay light later. If it’s so great, why not keep it this way all year round? Why the back and forth? Don’t pee on us and tell us it’s raining!

[DSLA President stands up abruptly.]

McVeigh: Hey, where do you think you’re going?

DSLA President: You’re nuts, man. Get a life.

[DSLA President walks out the door.]

McVeigh: [Yelling out the window.] This isn’t over! I will not rest until this wrong has been righted! And I can’t rest — because thanks to daylight saving time, my body has no idea what time it is!