Dips Tips
By Sean McVeigh
Parties are all about food.
I don’t mean that I’m some kind of food snob. Those of you who know me know that would be laughably untrue. I am an equal opportunity eater. What I mean is that there needs to be a defining line between any other kind of social gathering and a party, and I have unilaterally, with the authority invested in me by … me, declared that line to be food.
When I slip into a mancave with the boys to watch the Jets pile it on the Pats this season (a guy can dream), I am not going to a party. And when a few couples get together and I wipe the floor with them in charades, it’s not a party.
As Kesha, formerly Ke$ha, once said (kinda), “The party don’t start ‘til the food walks in.”
While I will not be picky regardless of what your spread looks like, there are some foods that are better suited for parties than others. Finger foods are the most ideal. Having to use a fork and knife also means having to sit down and nothing can dull the flame of a party like everyone sitting down. Next thing you know, everyone is yawning, and soon enough, everyone starts leaving. Forks and knives are a slippery slope, that’s all I’m saying. I think if you are looking to play it safe, then take a page out of The Wharf’s book and go with the big three: buffalo wings, chicken tenders and, the king of them all, mozzarella sticks.
Whoever came up with the idea of taking mozzarella cheese — on its own merits, a little slice of heaven — and frying it up and serving it with some marinara sauce, should be held in the same high regard as da Vinci and Newton. Children should be named after him. Instead, Frank Baker from Wisconsin is all but lost to history, save for some local newspaper columns mentioning him when tackling the paramount topic of mozzarella sticks from time to time.
Mozz sticks are meant to be accompanied by some sauce. While it’s not going to make or break the stick, it’s essential that the marinara sauce is there. In fact, all three of my party recommendations really need dips. Maybe it’s the dip that actually makes it a party food? Maybe it’s just a coincidence?
While this may sound like it’s all fun and games — it is a party after all — things can take a turn for the worse. Imagine this: You’re huddled around the mozzarella sticks with the other fat guys hungry party goers and someone does the unthinkable. The madman takes a stick, gives it a good dunk and takes a bite of that beautiful baton. Then, mid-conversation, committing a curdinal sin, he dunks it right back into the sauce for a second time. The Kesha record scratches, and silence falls on the room. Everyone turns and stares. You slowly back out of the frame so as not to be associated with this snack sinner, this appetizer assassin, this … double dipper!
You never want to be “that guy.” If you are lucky, those around you will quickly scold you for your deplorable dipping decorum and that will be that. If you are unlucky, people will relay your dastardly dipping deeds in whispers behind your back. Neither is gouda.
But fear not, as all can be avoided with only a little bit of party pickings protocol. For starters, you are no longer sharing wings with your family at the Harbor Light. We may all be friends at this party, but I don’t want to pick up what you’re putting down. With wings, it’s one dip, one bite, so make it count. You only get a bit of blue cheese on that first dip trip? You, madam, are out of luck. Better hope you can handle that heat. With chicken tenders, it’s a bit easier. You have to go with the old “rip and dip.” Follow that method and you can have as much honey mustard as your little heart desires. And finally, when it comes to the granddaddy of them all, here’s a little stick trick for you: The Dip and Flip™. It can be a bit complicated but bear with me. You dip and bite. Savor that cheesy, saucy delight. Then simply give that stick a flip and you are free to dip again. You’re welcome.
I don’t want to take too much credit here. I’m not a hero. I’m no Frank Baker. But the next time you host a gathering, will it be a party?
