McVeighing In
By By Sean McVeigh
Dear Santa,
Well, Nick, we can finally take that deep sigh of relief. Another successful Christmas season is in the books. After all these years, you still leave me in utter amazement.
I received the performance review in my stocking yesterday morning. Let me begin by saying thank you for caring enough to critique all of your impersonators’ performances each year; we know it is really for the children, but it still means the world to us. I think I can speak for all Santa impersonators when I say that we are always trying to improve our craft and get as close to the real YOU as we can. That said, there are a few points that I’d like to discuss if you don’t mind. I mean, if you don’t have the time now, then when will you?
I completely understand that it is important to come from the roof. Unfortunately, magic reindeer are a little hard to come by this time of year. (Maybe a gift idea for next year?) Thankfully, this year, at one location, I had the help of some firemen who were able to pick me up from the roof. Those guys are something else, aren’t they? I will certainly do my best to utilize the roof better in the future. Ladders, fire escapes — I guess I have no excuse. Although, as I am sure you know, that suit is not made for athletic feats. I think it might be time to look into some new, more forgiving material.
This next one is less a pushback from me and more from “Mrs. Claus.” I know I could stand to put on a few more pounds — believe me, it is not for a lack of trying. Luckily, it’s 2024 and I think the kids are scared to call me out for being too “skinny.” You can’t even make fun of someone’s weight anymore these days — is nothing sacred? But in all seriousness, Santa, that’s a conversation you’ll have to have with my wife.
I always worry about the kids catching on to me. These guys have supercomputers at the tips of their fingers. And yet, somehow, when they see that big red suit, they are transformed into little angels, the whole lot of them. Even the older ones who are “too cool for school” seem to subconsciously make a Pascal’s wager of sorts in their minds: “I’m pretty sure this isn’t really him but … what if it is?” Smart kids. All I can say, as I am sure you already know in spades, is that the Christmas spirit is alive and well!
I truly appreciate the overall positive feedback. It is an honor to stand in your place. Everyone knows that even you are too busy this time of year to be everywhere at once. You’re not the real Big Guy, after all.
Only a few more weeks until the annual conference in Aruba. I know I can count on seeing you there. Did you hear who they got as the keynote speaker? Chef Guy Fieri! Flavor Town, USA — population: you and me!
Consider the first round of Dirty Shirleys on me.
Well, Santa, I hope you enjoy your vacation until then — you deserve it! Thanks again for the pointers and, as always, Merry Christmas.
HOHOHO,
Your Humble Impersonator
