Surviving Valentine’s Day
By Dan Guarino
Experts and everyday people agree, love is…complicated. And no time of year spotlights its ups and its down more than Valentine’s Day.
Celebrated first as a Feast Day for a 3rd century Roman saint, then associated in writing with romance at least as far back 1382, it often brings into focus a mix of emotions that affect us all year around.
So, what’s beyond the candy, hearts and flowers? “People need each other,” says Marianne Muldoon, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a 30-year private practice psychotherapist who has also worked in the Rockaways. “Studies have shown we need connection. This is a day to represent that. People get together primarily because humans are social creatures. We have an inherent need to connect, to have relationships, to have emotional support, to belong, to love, and to have shared experiences.”
But, as Tanya Barros MA, LMHC, Vice President of Behavioral Health Services (BHS) and David Statman PhD, Licensed Clinical Psychologist at Episcopal Health Services (EHS) note, Valentine’s Day comes with a load societal expectation that can affect our mood, confidence and overall sense of well-being.
They say many people may also feel socially disconnected due to the social and cultural expectations that are set around Valentine’s Day. These feelings may come out more as we approach the holiday, on the day itself, and even post-holiday.
Barros states, “For those in relationships, the holiday is generally associated with feelings of joy, connection, and expressions of love. But for individuals who are single and wish to be in a relationship, it can trigger feelings of sadness, loneliness, or even anxiety.”
“Loneliness tends to follow a U-shaped curve in life, with younger and older adults being more vulnerable to experiencing it,” Statman adds. “This can lead to social withdrawal and introversion and even a decline in physical health including cognition, and an overall decline in well-being.”
However, though many may long for or feel they “should” be in one, as Muldoon observes, “Relationships can be tricky. The best ones I have ever seen or known are relationships where the other person lets you be yourself and supports you in your dreams.” They work best when each partner supports the other, lets them thrive and grow and are there to share their experiences with each other.
On the other hand, despite the marketing, being alone has its own pluses. “Many times, we grow emotionally when we are alone,” Muldoon says, “We don’t ‘get lost’ in the relationship. Studies have shown the benefits of being alone include increased creativity, ideas, hobbies, and mental health. It also fosters a sense of strength and independence.” She adds, “The better and the more stable we are, the better we will be for others. Be it a romantic relationship or not.”
Studying American marriage and dating trends since 2009, researchers from Stanford University and the University of New Mexico found by 2021 more than 50% of couples met online, while around 20% met in bar or restaurant and 15% met through friends. Since 1980, online meeting has skyrocketed, while other methods have declined. Muldoon notes people originally met through their family and community, later evolving into meeting through socialization, friendships, school, work, travel, going out to bars, etc.
“Today, people are more isolated. And the times have really changed how people meet. Covid really emphasized the isolation we were already going through.
Mostly in our society people meet online. There are still other ways,” she says, “but essentially, it’s been a rapid change.”
Seeking relationships through dating apps and other social media does come with its own cautions. A number one stress is safety. Many times, women in particular “feel fearful of meeting a stranger online and sharing personal information with someone they’ve never met, and someone their friends and relatives don’t know,” Muldoon says.
There is also the question what exactly each person is seeking. “Sometimes in online dating there is a misconception of what they’re looking for. You don’t know. People might want a long-term relationship, or just a hook up.”
Also, between filtered photos and overly polished profiles, you may not get to know the “real” person you’re chatting with. “You can write anything on online,” Muldoon explains. “In my experience as a therapist, everyone always brings their ‘representative’ best self the first six months of a relationship. You get to see more of the real person from six months to a year from there.”
In the beginning, “you really do ‘fall’ when you fall in love. That’s where the fantasy comes in. And that’s the difficulty with online dating. Knowing ‘Who am I meeting? Who am I getting involved with?’”
EHS’ Statman agrees. “Early feelings of infatuation are driven by dopamine, creating a ‘walking on sunshine’ effect. As relationships deepen, the hormone oxytocin takes over and leads to increased feelings of intimacy, contentment, stability and calm.”
Dopamine, the Cleveland Clinic states, is known as the brain’s “feel-good” hormone, while oxytocin “affects aspects of human behavior and the male and female reproductive systems.”
Whether single or in a relationship, you too can make the most of Valentine’s Day. Statman and Barros advise all to make plans and “celebrate friendships or express appreciation for family, friends or colleagues.” Even small gestures of appreciation can counteract feelings of loneliness and promote feelings of connection.
Focus on the positive. If you’re single, reframe your focus on the benefits, like having more freedom and independence. If you’re in a relationship, take the time to really connect.
“Valentine’s Day isn’t just about romantic love,” Barros says. “It’s an opportunity to celebrate and honor friendships and all the meaningful relationships in our lives!”
Most of all, they say, “Disconnect from marketing pressure. Step away from social media comparisons and redefine the holiday’s significance for yourself.”
As Muldoon sums up, “Valentine’s is a day dedicated to celebrate the love we have for one another. The day that we celebrate love. This can be with a significant other, a family member, a child, a friend, even a pet. Love is love.
“Have fun with it!”
Photo by Dan Guarino.
