The Last Straw
By Sean McVeigh
Oftentimes, I like to begin my articles with a topic that is just ever so slightly related to the actual subject I want to rant talk about. If I’m struggling for ideas, this is a good way to eat up that dreaded word count. Or, if I’m dealing with a more serious topic, it lets me squeeze in a few jokes before I get to the humorless, boring real topic du jour.
Well, the other day, I was out for drinks with friends, and we were served paper straws. I thought to myself, “It’s really shocking that I haven’t touched on paper straws yet, given my hatred for them burns as bright and hot as all the stars in all of the universe,” or something along those lines. I came to the conclusion that my hesitancy to devote a full column to them has always stemmed from a fear that there just isn’t enough to say. All my thoughts can be summed up rather pithily:
Q: “What are your thoughts on paper straws?”
A: I hate paper straws.
Q: “Why do you hate paper straws?”
A: Because they *expletive deleted* stink!
Not wanting to fall short of a full column, I thought maybe I could use paper straws as one of those rambling introductions of mine. I mean, there’s definitely a metaphor begging to be used — one I could tie into some broader topic and easily fill a half-page talking about, right?
Maybe I could go with the angle of how innocent it looks when you first unwrap a paper straw: “This won’t be so bad.” Then you stick it in your drink for two minutes, look down, and realize someone’s replaced it with a fun bendy straw! Oh wait — nope, that’s just the same paper straw, literally melting in your cold drink. How fun!
Or maybe I could talk about how I’d almost rather you just not give me any straw at all. If your concern for the turtles is that extreme, I get it — I’ll wish I had one for a split second and then move on with my life. But when I’m given a paper straw instead, I’m forced to seethe about it for the duration of my drink — or, more realistically, the duration of the straw, which most likely won’t outlast the drink.
What if I spun this into a capitalism topic? That could be very pertinent these days. Why not just charge for plastic straws? Most people — those who aren’t psychotic loonies like myself — will just say “no thanks” to the extra charge and either go strawless or, if they’re a masochist, opt for the paper straw. And those of us who hold a strange, deeply personal grudge against the devil’s straw (aka the paper one) can fork over a couple of shekels and get our sweet, sweet plastic.
The reusable metal straws were a fun idea that almost caught on. Maybe I could turn that into something about asking where we would draw the line. Where does it stop? How long until we are bringing entire metallic flatware sets with us every time we want to pop in for a quick bite to eat?
I don’t know, it seems like I’ll just never be able to write about paper straws. It feels like the potential is there, but I’ll have to wait for the right opportunity. It’s just frustrating to hate something so much and still not be able to write about it.
What a shame.
