What the Hack?

By Sean McVeigh

I’ve been a pretty vocal hater of social media in the past. I honestly think that it is a detriment to our society. About seven years back, I decided to put my money where my mouth was and deleted my Facebook account. I have missed Facebook a grand total of zero days since then. It came as quite a surprise this week when I received that first phone call asking about the strange things I was posting on my Facebook account.

I was able to borrow a friend’s phone and, wouldn’t you know it, my account had somehow been reactivated and was now posting things like a “huge congratulations to Ramsey and Betty on their impressive $119K profit in just two months!” Trust me, if I was making that kind of money for other people, I would not be entertaining the masses with tales of my old car breaking down. It would probably involve a lot more dispatches from tropical islands. While we’re here, if that sounds like something you’d like to read, feel free to shoot me a Venmo. (No, this column was not hacked.)

Account hacking happens pretty often, and a quick password change, and some deleted posts is usually a quick remedy. But here’s the issue: I have no idea what the email or password for that account was. I have tried to log back in and commandeer, well, myself… but, it has so far been to no avail. Because I have never logged in to that account on my current devices, Facebook does not trust me when I say I am me! And I haven’t used these devices for that account because I haven’t used that account in seven years! These devices weren’t built the last time I was setting some sensational statuses or uploading some thirst trap profile pictures on my Facebook. I’ve been trying to get ahold of Mark Zuckerberg to explain my situation, but he has yet to return my calls.

Thankfully, it seems like this trickster is not pulling too many fast ones on anyone. I may be often imitated but I am never replicated. However, the texts and phone calls that I have been receiving make me both grateful and concerned at the same time. I very much appreciate people letting me know. If no one had told me, this Sean McImposter would be roaming the timelines of Facebook dropping what I can only imagine is most likely subpar financial advice. My concern comes for the few who have to ask if I have been hacked rather than just stating it as a fact. Maybe I should take it as a compliment that you think it’s even possible I was able to help “Aiden … earn 54K in profits” with my sage investing insights. But come on, I would be a little humbler about that. (So humble I’d probably write about it right here!)

I should’ve known that after calling out social media enough times, the social media gods would find a way to exact their revenge. Well played, sirs. At least they didn’t turn me into a bot that posted on Friends of Rockaway Beach. I guess not even a bot could take the slings and arrows you receive when swimming in that cesspool.

I understand that imitation is the highest form of flattery, but this is a bit ridiculous. So if you happen to see me posting on Facebook, go ahead and report that McMasquerader. I’ll be doing my part: I’ve since created a burner account and friend-requested myself. If I get through, this account is going to be in for a tempestuous tirade of extreme expletives. Knowing my luck, I will probably just get reported and they’ll delete my burner account. We can’t have faux Sean McVeighs out there after all.