Unthankful

By Sean McVeigh

Last week I did not write a Thanksgiving column. Well, I was able to tie it in, but I wasn’t thrilled with it. I wanted to talk about all the things I am thankful for. I am thankful for a lot of things. The next day, it all started to come to me. I could’ve busted out your standard “Things I’m Thankful For” column, no problem — and it probably would’ve been pretty good. I thought about writing it up for this week, but that would be cheating. Next year, I guess. The next few weeks, people will be expecting holiday joy and cheer. I’ll do my best to satiate their merry appetites but I’m taking one more week before I’m forced to hide my inner Scrooge. If I’m not going to write about what I’m thankful for then I might as well write about the opposite.

My mother was not a fan of the word “hate” growing up. “Hate” and “stupid” — those words were verboten. She really hated them and thought that they made you sound stupid. So, to respect my mom, I will say it another way. Let’s talk about the things I’m not too keen on.

A good place to start is with drivers. I’m starting to think I might have a bit of an issue. As some of you know, I can’t help but seethe when I see a double-parked car or someone driving on the shoulder. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, there is a special place in hell for those people. And please, for the love of God, don’t get me started on flying. The whole industry needs to be torn up from the roots and replanted. Until then, even the thought of going to an airport will make my blood boil.

I’m not limited to the arena of motor vehicles, however. I loathe lines. Lines are interesting because they come in all shapes and sizes, but they all share one thing in common — my disdain! Checking out at a store is a terror I live with daily. Waiting for a drink at a crowded bar will get me to take a walk around the block in search of barkeeps with roomier accommodations. And if I find myself in a doctor’s office waiting room, then I expect prayers for my patience from each and every one of you.

The list goes on and on. Cable news is a big hit these days, but I would rather watch paint dry. Even after a lifetime of living on the beach, I have an aversion to hot weather. I love a nice sunny day but there is a point where I just can’t take it anymore! I’m a sweater and the cool of fall is always welcomed with pit-stained-arms wide open. Have I mentioned that I am a fan of Rockaway? Well in converse, I am not a fan of going to most other places. I’m pretty content staying right here. And if you try to convince me to wake up early to go to these “places,” then you are just being mean because I despise that sorta thing.

I love going out to dinner, but can we try to avoid the standard rectangular tables if we’re going with more than four? This fella King Arthur knew what he was doing with his knights! And if you ever see me out to dinner chowing down on something, it probably won’t be spaghetti. I would love to, but there is nothing worse than staining my clothes, which, like Thanos, seems to be inevitable anyway. I would just throw them in the wash after, but I am even less keen on shrinking my clothes in the cleaning process!

I’ve run out of room already? I’m going to start another list, and this will have to have a follow up. Someone just put on some Christmas music, and it’s stupid to be ranting in the midst of “Mele Kalikimaka” by Bing Crosby — I just hate that!